So then what...

After spending the odd week in a hospital I at least came out of it with anti-depressant/anti-anxiety pills. A pretty good combo for me. This wasn't the point where I was really suffering from agoraphobia, which is an interesting term and illness. Typically when it's portrayed in say TV, Movies and Books it's the most extreme form that is used. You know the type, the people who never leave the house. While I rarely leave the house I'm still able to go to various places and feel somewhat comfortable. In my car is one of the places though I still get annoyed with the drivers around me; at least there is no lasting paranoia about driving. I can also freely go anywhere as long as I have a trusted companion, close friends and family members. While going to a crowded area out of or even in my trust zone I don't start freaking out and crying or something, though if something goes wrong it is a possibility ;;-_-. Typically I just enter a manic state. I become energetic, overly cheerful and just slightly over the top. A stranger probably wouldn't notice or even think anything of my behavior, but it is very out of character. Eventually I just get a little too nervous and want to leave. My comfort zones are a few places near my house and they're typically food related: Two chipotles, two grocery stores and one gas station (with a cute guy who makes me nervous for very different reasons).

It wasn't my very uninterested doctor at the hospital that suggested I might have agoraphobia but my best friend Derrick. He's now actually teaching Psych 101 and should have his masters in Psychology pretty soon. It came to light after I described some of my feelings to him. I don't like it when strangers look at me, pay attention to me or talk to me without me initiating it and even then I'm not at all happy to do it. Leaving the house makes me nervous because in my house I feel safe, I know where everything is and nothing unusual is likely to happen. The outside world however is unpredictable and dangerous. Now if I had actually spoken to the doctor who was supposed to look after me and he payed attention to things I said in group he probably would have pinged on this but like I said, he couldn't have cared less. Like I mentioned earlier I'm ok with friends and family in any situation. This is apparently relatively common with agoraphobia. If I can't help it I avoid going anywhere. My safe list mentioned earlier gives you an idea of what does pull me out of the house: food. It isn't like I enjoy food I just need it. If I could avoid ever eating again I'd be perfectly fine with that!

Recently I did see the new Hulk alone. It was by mistake. I was supposed to meet up with my friends at the theater but they went to a different one, an AMC near the stadium and frankly I hate it there. Its too big, over the top and the seats are really really uncomfortable. I prefer Harkens any day of the week. The fact that they just play classical music between movies instead of annoying current hits like AMC is a big part of it. Their chairs are more comfortable and they have a deal where if you buy their souvenir's cup you get refills for only a dollar all year. Seeing it on my own was ok. Thanks to the environment I was only unsettled till they turned down the lights. After all my biggest issue is being noticed and at a movie everyones attention was on the screen.

I've tried to branch out, find work and even go to school. Finding work has been difficult, after all with the economy has been bad and only getting worse so getting new employees isn't the biggest priority for a lot of places. Coupled with how uneasy I am with being well... anywhere it's hard for me to just go out and try to find work. I did manage to enroll in school but that only lasted a week before I freaked out and crawled into bed and refused to get out. That's one of my things is sleeping. Sometimes I sleep up to a full day, yeah like 24 hours. I don't like it. Afterwards I'm really hungry, thirsty and sore. The human body isn't mean to sleep that long so its really unpleasant.

The fact I keep tying is a good sign. Derrick always says people can become their diagnosis. Which is to say they use their mental or physical health as an excuse to not do or do certain things. It's a very good valid point and I try not to let any of my issues get to me but it can be pretty hard at times.

In the end, which is to say recently, I've decided to focus on my writing. I love to write, love to make up stories and characters and put them in interesting situations. Writing is one of the few things that I not only enjoy but can see myself doing in ten years, outside of still playing video games and seeing movies that is! With my horridly low self esteem I often get discouraged, reading a good book only makes it worse. Not only do I constantly compare my body to other womens (I can't even make fat look good) I also constantly compare my writing to others. This is a very dumb thing to do. Logically there will always be prettier women out there and better writers out there. I don't care how good you are at something there is going to be someone better. That's just one of those facts of life things. Reminding myself of that at times can be hard though.

On the matter of weight its not a very touchy topic for me. Yeah. I'm fat. Typically I weigh around 240 pounds and since I'm about 5'6" that means I'm obese. Granted I carry the weight rather well, I don't look nearly as fat as I actually am but by all means I don't look good either! It's a health concern before its a visual concern. I'm not all that interested in being super skinny I just want to be at my old weight. Back in 2000 I actually joined the Army. A foot injury sent me home and at the time I was a great weight. I think I was 145 tops. Sadly my oh so helpful mother likes to keep reminding me of just how great I looked then. Great way to pack on the issues Mom. Keep up the good work. What with my lack of a job and thus lack of money I can't join a gym, at one point I did but this was years ago. On top of that I can't just go for walks or runs. I live in freakin' Arizona, during most of the year its blisteringly hot even at night! Put my issues with the outside world on top of that and doing the simplest of things to try to keep healthy gets difficult. I don't drink soda anymore (though I have been bad this week, I've had two T_T it makes me feel really guilty) so that helps a bit. For me its never really been a food issue. I don't eat a ton of unhealthy snacks or down a lot of sugary soda its just a combination of laziness and fear.

I'm trying to change though. I've given up playing MMOs. For a long time I played WoW but I ended that a few months ago, almost six months at this point. Just the other day I quit EQ2 which brings me down to having 0 MMOs to play which was a huge distraction from frankly anything and everything so that's a good thing. Now that I wont have some addictive game to play at the drop of a hat I'll be forced to not only focus on my writing but exercise. I have a few belly dancing video tapes so those should help.

Guess that completes up the summation of how I got to this point. Next update should actually talk about recent events :P