Hack hack, cough cough *dies*

Now I have a hacking cough! Yesterday my chest hurt so damned much and all from coughing. I think its because I took some Mucinex. Normally I almost never cough. Now I'm hacking my lungs out. Never taking that stuff again >_<

I just want to be better! I haven't gotten jack done in days because I've been so bloody sick. I hate being sick. Not because of the physical symptoms but because I feel lazy... even more lazy than usual. I think Vash is enjoying this though. Since I've been sick I've barely touched the PC and have been spending most of my time on the couch which means lots of cuddle time with him.

Still sick.

Yesterday was horrible. The infection spread to both nasal passages so for part of the day I could only breathe out of my mouth. On top of that I was in a lot of pain, any movement hurt. Taking a shower left me breathless with pain. My joints hurt, my head hurt and of course my nose hurt. Towards the end of the day Derrick showed up with some medicine and a humidifier which he had purchased with his own money <3. My dad gave him a credit card and sent him off to get me more liquids and the right medicine. He ended up grabbing allergy medicine instead of sudafed which is what I needed. I ended up taking both anyway. Made me a little light headed but by nine at night I could breathe!

I slept like shit last night though. Kept waking up, tossing and turning. Thankfully though when I woke up for real this morning I felt much better than the day before. My nose is still really stuffy and I feel like my head is full of cotton but I no longer feel like warmed over death.

Clearly I got nothing done the other day. Mostly just laid on the couch and cuddled with the cats. Derrick didn't stay for long he had a dinner plan with a mutual friend named Jeff. Now Jeff is easily one of the worlds sweetest guys. He offered to bring me some sudafed on Tuesday after he got off work but I would have felt guilty making him drive around for me. Clearly I feel less guilty making Derrick do the same! Jeff has actually been keeping me company via text and also went out with me a lot while Derrick was out of town.

Oh well, I'm going to go lay down for a bit, hopefully tomorrow I can get some bloody writing done.

Feeling ill

Yesterday I woke with a slightly sore throat, as the day drug on it only got worse. Still I mustered up the energy to drive the hour and a half drive to my mothers. She fixed me lunch and cut my hair and only nagged me slightly. She really really wants to give me highlights and is just positively upset that I'm already going gray at 26. Frankly I hardly mind. I shaved my head a few years ago in an effort to wipe the slate clean and I'm not about to start dumping chemicals on my head now.

Today I woke with pretty bad congestion in my right nasal passage. My throat is starting to feel better but that doesn't mean the rest of me is falling in line. Outside of my general medication and daily vitamins I knocked back some ibuprofen and that seems to have helped a little bit.

My efforts to get back into writing have thus far failed to pan out. I did begin to reorganize my folders so its a little easier to find the things I'm looking for and I'm working on getting my notes in order. That's really about the closest thing to success I've had.

Derrick who has been out of town for the last week comes back tonight which will be nice, I certainty missed him. Not that I'll get to see him till tomorrow. Oh well. I should get some rest.

Baby Steps

Lately I've been taking steps to get myself published. I've removed one of my stories from Fictionpress.com, a site where I've displayed my work. The story in question is called 'Misbegotten'. Despite the emo sounding title it all makes sense. It's a story about a nerd in the 1970s who discovers the company that helped pay for his college is run by a vampire who wishes to turn him into a vampire, all for a very simple reason: he needs someone who is up to date on current technology to help him with the company! It's a pretty funny story, John is a hilarious character and a decent number of people can relate to him. I may write about fantastical supernatural creatures but I try to never forget that deep down they're all people.

It's really scary for me to do all this too. I'm going to have to present my work to people who matter and their rejection will of course hurt. Rejection and I have never really gotten along. I have a crippling fear of being disliked or thought poorly of and here I am moving into the competitive world of writing. I see tears in my future! Oh well. Everyone faces rejection and I have to keep telling myself that I can do it. Heck all I need to do is look at some of the published books out there, some of them even bestsellers, to know that I have a chance. It's all about getting my foot in the door. I'm fairly confident that when I do get published I can be successful, its just the getting there part that'll be hard.

However despite the steps I've made I've hit a wall pretty hard. Over the last week I keep trying to write and end up staring blankly at the screen for awhile. Typically I eventually give up in dejection and go play Warriors Orochi. Nothing like slaughtering hundreds of enemies to blow off some steam. Personally I'm a huge fan of the Warriors series. First their was Dynasty Warriors then Samurai Warriors then they felt like 'Hey, we got these two franchises why not throw them together?'. I should mention that Dynasty Warriors takes place in the three kingdoms period of China and Samurai Warriors takes place in the Sengoku era of Japan. It's a fun mix though and I love seeing all my favorite characters on screen.

Kotaro is my favorite:


Not the most historically accurate image ever. Doesn't matter though I find him dead sexy. On a similar note apparently I am attracted to an unusual type of man. I mentioned the other day to a pair of male friends that I thought Ron Pearlman was dead sexy and one of them was shocked and confused. Well I think he's hot!! His voice alone makes me melt. Typically I find most 'hot' guys in Hollywood to well... either not be hot or meh ok. Oh well.

Now to attempt to get some writing done. Wish me luck.

So then what...

After spending the odd week in a hospital I at least came out of it with anti-depressant/anti-anxiety pills. A pretty good combo for me. This wasn't the point where I was really suffering from agoraphobia, which is an interesting term and illness. Typically when it's portrayed in say TV, Movies and Books it's the most extreme form that is used. You know the type, the people who never leave the house. While I rarely leave the house I'm still able to go to various places and feel somewhat comfortable. In my car is one of the places though I still get annoyed with the drivers around me; at least there is no lasting paranoia about driving. I can also freely go anywhere as long as I have a trusted companion, close friends and family members. While going to a crowded area out of or even in my trust zone I don't start freaking out and crying or something, though if something goes wrong it is a possibility ;;-_-. Typically I just enter a manic state. I become energetic, overly cheerful and just slightly over the top. A stranger probably wouldn't notice or even think anything of my behavior, but it is very out of character. Eventually I just get a little too nervous and want to leave. My comfort zones are a few places near my house and they're typically food related: Two chipotles, two grocery stores and one gas station (with a cute guy who makes me nervous for very different reasons).

It wasn't my very uninterested doctor at the hospital that suggested I might have agoraphobia but my best friend Derrick. He's now actually teaching Psych 101 and should have his masters in Psychology pretty soon. It came to light after I described some of my feelings to him. I don't like it when strangers look at me, pay attention to me or talk to me without me initiating it and even then I'm not at all happy to do it. Leaving the house makes me nervous because in my house I feel safe, I know where everything is and nothing unusual is likely to happen. The outside world however is unpredictable and dangerous. Now if I had actually spoken to the doctor who was supposed to look after me and he payed attention to things I said in group he probably would have pinged on this but like I said, he couldn't have cared less. Like I mentioned earlier I'm ok with friends and family in any situation. This is apparently relatively common with agoraphobia. If I can't help it I avoid going anywhere. My safe list mentioned earlier gives you an idea of what does pull me out of the house: food. It isn't like I enjoy food I just need it. If I could avoid ever eating again I'd be perfectly fine with that!

Recently I did see the new Hulk alone. It was by mistake. I was supposed to meet up with my friends at the theater but they went to a different one, an AMC near the stadium and frankly I hate it there. Its too big, over the top and the seats are really really uncomfortable. I prefer Harkens any day of the week. The fact that they just play classical music between movies instead of annoying current hits like AMC is a big part of it. Their chairs are more comfortable and they have a deal where if you buy their souvenir's cup you get refills for only a dollar all year. Seeing it on my own was ok. Thanks to the environment I was only unsettled till they turned down the lights. After all my biggest issue is being noticed and at a movie everyones attention was on the screen.

I've tried to branch out, find work and even go to school. Finding work has been difficult, after all with the economy has been bad and only getting worse so getting new employees isn't the biggest priority for a lot of places. Coupled with how uneasy I am with being well... anywhere it's hard for me to just go out and try to find work. I did manage to enroll in school but that only lasted a week before I freaked out and crawled into bed and refused to get out. That's one of my things is sleeping. Sometimes I sleep up to a full day, yeah like 24 hours. I don't like it. Afterwards I'm really hungry, thirsty and sore. The human body isn't mean to sleep that long so its really unpleasant.

The fact I keep tying is a good sign. Derrick always says people can become their diagnosis. Which is to say they use their mental or physical health as an excuse to not do or do certain things. It's a very good valid point and I try not to let any of my issues get to me but it can be pretty hard at times.

In the end, which is to say recently, I've decided to focus on my writing. I love to write, love to make up stories and characters and put them in interesting situations. Writing is one of the few things that I not only enjoy but can see myself doing in ten years, outside of still playing video games and seeing movies that is! With my horridly low self esteem I often get discouraged, reading a good book only makes it worse. Not only do I constantly compare my body to other womens (I can't even make fat look good) I also constantly compare my writing to others. This is a very dumb thing to do. Logically there will always be prettier women out there and better writers out there. I don't care how good you are at something there is going to be someone better. That's just one of those facts of life things. Reminding myself of that at times can be hard though.

On the matter of weight its not a very touchy topic for me. Yeah. I'm fat. Typically I weigh around 240 pounds and since I'm about 5'6" that means I'm obese. Granted I carry the weight rather well, I don't look nearly as fat as I actually am but by all means I don't look good either! It's a health concern before its a visual concern. I'm not all that interested in being super skinny I just want to be at my old weight. Back in 2000 I actually joined the Army. A foot injury sent me home and at the time I was a great weight. I think I was 145 tops. Sadly my oh so helpful mother likes to keep reminding me of just how great I looked then. Great way to pack on the issues Mom. Keep up the good work. What with my lack of a job and thus lack of money I can't join a gym, at one point I did but this was years ago. On top of that I can't just go for walks or runs. I live in freakin' Arizona, during most of the year its blisteringly hot even at night! Put my issues with the outside world on top of that and doing the simplest of things to try to keep healthy gets difficult. I don't drink soda anymore (though I have been bad this week, I've had two T_T it makes me feel really guilty) so that helps a bit. For me its never really been a food issue. I don't eat a ton of unhealthy snacks or down a lot of sugary soda its just a combination of laziness and fear.

I'm trying to change though. I've given up playing MMOs. For a long time I played WoW but I ended that a few months ago, almost six months at this point. Just the other day I quit EQ2 which brings me down to having 0 MMOs to play which was a huge distraction from frankly anything and everything so that's a good thing. Now that I wont have some addictive game to play at the drop of a hat I'll be forced to not only focus on my writing but exercise. I have a few belly dancing video tapes so those should help.

Guess that completes up the summation of how I got to this point. Next update should actually talk about recent events :P

Trying to work and getting commited

Since walking out on Gamestop I've applied for and interviewed for more jobs than I can even begin to count. After awhile one starts to feel rather unwanted. The more time that stretched between my last real job the more unstable I became emotionally. Eventually I did land a job at a coffee shop that was about to open up right near my house. Now, considering my brother has spent the last five+ years working as a barista (a person who makes coffee drinks) it seemed logical that I should attempt to enter the industry as well. Things went alright for a little while but then a few days before opening I began to fray.

It was about this point that I began to realize that normal people don't daily consider how to kill themselves. I had a loaded .44 that I kept in my underwear drawer; originally it went there while children were over visiting so I needed to put it somewhere they wouldn't find it (my room has a lot of dangerous flammable objects and sharp pointy things so its off limits to everyone!). I never returned it to its place on top of the fridge (you know, in case the cheese gets too moldy or someone breaks in, sentient cheese being equally likely given my house) since its presence began to give me morbid comfort. Finally I called my health insurance in an effort to find myself some help. Considering the things I said they quickly suggested I go to a hospital and check myself in.

A week later I found myself in St. Lukes hospital. My father was pretty upset by this, upset because he was worried for me and despite how comforting he was trying to be I could see how unhinged he was getting. After all its a fathers duty to protect their children, but how do you protect them from themselves?

In the end I spent only a week in the hospital mental ward. My doctor barely spoke to me and in fact I chose my own brand of medication which had been suggested to me by a friend. Real skill there Mr. Doc. Oh well. The whole thing was really stressful. On the first day all my books were taken from me, save for a pair of bibles. This infuriated me like you wouldn't believe. Reading has been one of my major distractions and a primary way for me to distress. So there I was in a stressful situation without my usual method of dealing. The second day when my mother visited she drove me so batty I ended up screaming at her and crawling under a table that I then refused to come out from under till they offered me anti-anxiety drugs.

Thankfully the next day they moved me from one ward to another. This one was upstairs, had more comfortable seating and was much less stressful. Not only that but a close friend of my brother worked there! He was a great guy and helped me out a lot. My brother visited me daily as well bringing me treats from the cafe next door to where he worked on various books to keep me occupied. I'd tear through several books a day so it was a much needed addition to my small collection (which I'd managed to get back half of what I'd brought. The rest were deemed too 'riske' for my condition. Pffft, books about murder don't alter my state of mind one bit).

For all the insanity I suffered for that week in a mental ward I got very little out of it. I discovered I was more crazy than some, less crazy than others, that a decent number of doctors could care less about their patients (I was forgotten by my primary doctor for TWO DAYS) and that my brother is a wonderfully supportive guy ^_^

Life is scary.

It's a little difficult to pinpoint just when everything went wrong. For several years I lived a relatively normal life. I worked full time and even held down two jobs at one point. Living with my depression was something I'd grown used to, after all most of my life I've been depressed so thoughts of suicide were as normal to me as eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast. A full time job (or two) made these thoughts small, sent them to the back of my mind. After all, thoughts of killing oneself tend to quiet when you're busy alphabetizing books and video games.

Then things just sorta happened. It was a rather typical work week, I was third key at Gamestop (sorta the mini-manager) and I needed to shift my schedule around so I could get my TV fixed. Kinda a silly thing but considering it was broken for so long and the only time I could get a guy out to fix it was always on days I worked it wasn't that big of a deal. The assistant manager at the time (Billy; great guy) was more than happy to take that day (a Thursday, I remember that). About halfway through my day my TV had been fixed and I was going to see a movie with my friend Derrick when I got a call from work. A little puzzled I picked it up and the first thing I heard was:

"We were robbed."

It was Billy my aforementioned Assistant-manager. He explained that armed gunmen had entered our quiet little video game store and pointed GUNS at my co-workers faces and demanded money. Not only that but our district manager wanted me to come in and cover the night shift for my understandably traumatized Store manager and Assistant-manager (both had been there at the same time). I flat out refused. Why the heck would I want to go to work on the eve of an armed robbery!? After that none of us were comfortable at work. The day I moved up to third key we'd been burglarized the night before. I had handled it very well and in a mature fashion impressing my bosses. Considering it was the second time since I had worked there that we'd been burglarized I kinda knew what to do.

The next morning after this robbery I had to open the store, by myself. Thankfully my store managers then finance kept me company for awhile. Notably I was nervous about being alone. The day went quickly and smoothly though my nerves were still a little shot. Curse my empathy!

Not to long after this event I got a really bad eye infection and just fed up with work (I loved the job, hated the company) and my health I just flat out quit. Amusingly enough the entire store staff save one employee quit. The one person who kept on stayed around just to watch the fireworks! We were a close bunch. I miss them.

Sadly since then I haven't had a single real job. I've managed to snag a few jobs but due to various reasons I've been unable to keep. In fact the one job I did enjoy I got laid off from because the store manager foolishly hired too many people. I was really good at it too... and enjoyed it save for a handful of co-workers who apparently thought high-school behavior was perfectly fine in a work environment. About five months after the walk out from Gamestop I got in a really bad car crash. Someone in front of me on the highway decided coming to a complete and full stop was a dandy idea and I plowed right into his rear. My tiny little shitty Ford crumpled in half while his truck suffered minor damage. This affected me more than I had realized. For a few months after the accident I'd occasionally freak out while driving if someone did something stupid... considering I live in Arizona where people drive like idiots I ended up being freaked out a lot.

These two events put me on the path I'm currently still stumbling down with all the grace and dignity of a narcoleptic one legged monkey. This seems like a good opening post... I suppose.