Living in fear

Thank the non-god! HA

2009-02-26T12:17:00.001-08:00

Well, the A/C in my house was broken for about a week, maybe more... I'm not really sure, the weather is only just now starting to change and its getting hotter so it might have actually been broken for awhile. Apparently the motor died and it also needed coolant, cost a little over 500$. ICK. I'm so happy its fixed though since I was waking up covered in sweat, not a fun experience.

I started a new series on youtube called 'Why I'm not a x' X being whatever religion I'm highlighting that week. First vid was Calvinism, the next will be Buddhism. I don't want to look like I'm picking on Christians too much! Even though there is so much to work with when attacking those crazies :P

Such a mess T_T

2009-02-17T01:45:00.000-08:00

God my house is a mess... I really need to clean it.... The other day I went looking for a bible I got from my uncle (not directly, it somehow ended up in our house and he never asked for it back so... woo?). The poor thing is darned old and a pretty neat bible. Its got a zipper!! The issue... I can't find it >.> I feel bad! And I so wanted to reference the King James version (the said lost bible) with the Catholic Living Bible and the NIV version (New International Version). Oh well... it'll turn up. I doubt it ran off... though I could have scared the poor thing off with all my darned THINKING FOR MYSELF. Such a sin that...

I need to write more... I need to do a lot of stuff.... ARG!

So cold... so very cold...

2009-02-11T01:25:00.000-08:00

Yeah so I just ate a bit of ice cream and its still winter so of course I'm cold! However someone left the AC set to cool... *Shivers* Not very cool. As in good... arg...

Anyway I joined the gym last week but only have gone once so far. Of course the same week I decide to change my lifestyle I get my period :P that put a temporary crimp in my plans. Now that things are back to normal (so to speak) I can get back to working out. Gotta lose these pounds somehow :P

Unlike what my mother thinks its not really my diet that is the problem. Yeah I just ate some ice cream but thats the first time I've had some in... oh... two months. My real weakness is popcorn. God I would kill for a good bowl of popcorn sometimes.

Anyway... lately some crap has been going on that has been driving me nuts. Prop 8 for one. I'm still disgusted that that bull passed. Main reason it did at all was fear tactics. Most people are ignorant anyway and live in their little bubbles and never question anything till it finally penetrates it. Sadly misinformation is as likely to get pass the veil of ignorance as real knowledge.

Didn't update last month mostly 'cause I had a friend staying with me and we were running around a lot. Heck I barely played WoW at all. Or wrote >.> bad me! BAD! I'll try to fix that. Anyway, off to warm up and get Vash out of my face.

random!

2009-01-10T18:17:00.000-08:00

The Intern

Deliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer (DGSD)

Act 2, Scene 1
An attractive young woman, the INTERN, sits at her desk. ROSS and MACGRUDER, two sales associates, stand near the water cooler.

MACGRUDER: Whoa! Get a load of the new intern! I'd like to file my proposal in her drawers.

ROSS: Easy there, MacGruder, you'll get us fired. [aside] I agree.

Exeunt.

Capable. Trustworthy. Carnal. The Intern.

From our experience, Interns are nice girls who would really, really like us to come on to them. They, like you, must be looking for sex, preferably from someone good-looking and successful. So... what are you doing later? Oh, okay, cool. Well, maybe next time? Okay, okay, jeez.

The thing is, you're a little bit quiet, so men think you're waiting for them to start things. You do like sex a lot, they're right about that, but few of them realize you're a genuinely thoughtful person.

You're choosy, not wanting to get mixed up with just anyone. Girls can get away with this kind of selectiveness for some reason. Most guys have to take whatever's lying around, passed out.

You're not necessarily looking for a steady relationship right now; that's cool. Be careful to avoid people trying to tie you down to anything other than bedposts.

Your exact female opposite:

The Sudden Departure

Random Brutal Love Master

Always avoid: The False Messiah (DBLM), The Vapor Trail (RBLM)

Consider: The Bachelor (DGSM)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test OkCupid - personals Dating

Don't get it

2009-01-03T08:19:00.001-08:00

The other night my friend Vicki's mother started yelling at her and eventually all but threw her out. It was her last night home on leave from the Navy before being shipped overseas. How her mom could do something like that is beyond me. My dad however stepped up to the plate and said 'Bring her home' which of course means our home :) so she stayed the night and I just got back from dropping her off at the air port. After a nap I'm going to clean up the spare room and get a bed for it so when she comes back she can just stay with us!

My dad really is just the sweetest. He loves my friends like they're his kids too and takes care of them whenever they need something. I gotta say even when my mom drives me nuts I know she's doing it because she loves me and she'd never throw me out... unless of course I was doing drugs but it would take her awhile before it came to that! Besides she keeps trying to get me to move BACK in with her >< I do not want to live in Arizona City! Its... crappy! Oh well...

Uuuuuugggg

2008-12-21T22:40:00.001-08:00

Today was a pretty shitty day. Derrick and I went to my Moms for dinner and a movie, that wasn't the unpleasant part. She was nice and polite; though she always is with Derrick around. The problem is my old cat Midnight is dying... Its so depressing... I just feel like crap. I have to keep fighting back tears.... I'll try to post a real update later.

Horay democracy! Booo construction...

2008-11-04T18:04:00.000-08:00

Well I ordered an early ballot but in true M behavior I didn't fill it out till Sunday >.> so I had to run out today to drop off my ballot. The place that was selected for my area is in Sun City. Now for a quick background on Sun City it's a retirement community meaning you have to be at least 55 (I think) to even live there. Now the streets appear to be have been designed by someone who hates the elderly... hell scratch that they hate everyone. There is not logic or intelligent layout to speak of. The streets wind and bevy out at odd moments forcing you to slow down constantly. I guess they want people who aren't elderly to be forced to DRIVE like they are elderly IE like you did a pound of pot and then washed that down with a keg of beer.

So I left the house at 6:12 and the polls close at 7 on the dot (if you're in line before then you get to vote regardless of the time but I guess you get turned away if you show up after 7) I didn't end up at the polls until 6:45. I live only a handful of miles away from the polling place but it took me that long to get there due to a combination of shitty directions and construction. The tiny map they sent me and my father that shows the location of the polling place was dreadfully done. Only the major streets were shown which left the polling place floating in a sea of white with no indication as to what street you turn off of to get to it! In fact the map indicated it was located BEFORE 91st ave when in fact it was AFTER 91st ave. I was left driving around the convoluted streets of Sun City circling around (more so trying to circle around since construction and poorly designed streets kept thwarting me) trying to find where to vote.

Now that that's over I'm waiting with baited breath to find out who wins. My vote was for Obama :D

Hard times and unpleasant news.

2008-10-21T21:30:00.000-07:00

Well my dad is just getting over being dreadfully sick. I blame the fact he smokes a lot. Also stress doesn't help and he has a lot of it. His work (APS) is looking to lay people off or at least 'retire' them because of the current economic situation. He's thinking about accepting the retirement package and getting a cushy security job. I'm really worried about not only his physical health but his mental health. He's been very depressed lately and the time away from work because of his bronchitis only wears on him more.

This of course means I've been trying harder to find work but of course given the current issues in the work force I don't see me getting a job anytime soon. Craigslist used to post numerous jobs a day in my area lately I'm lucky to see 3 typically 1. Not only are there fewer jobs the ones available are iffy.

Onto another matter that has been pissing me off. Lately Palin and McCain have been talking about 'real America', 'small town America' the 'moral America' the 'good America', the 'American loving people' located in these mythical places. It upsets me so damned much to be accused of loving America less because of wear I live or my political/religious belief. People would be throwing a screaming fit if someone accused small towns of the oposite, akin to the grumbles that are still going on about the very true statement Obama made about small town people clinging to guns and religion.

As a child I grew up in a small town. That is where my brother started to get into drugs and I revceived a not only second but third rate education. Small towns aren't some moral, god loving, American flag waving centers of righteous people they're just like the rest of America. We all have the same fears and concerns. Small town or big city we worry about job security, health insurance, education and rising fuel costs! People aren't less likely to perform 'immoral' activities in small towns nor we they more likely to perform 'moral' activities. Large cities and small towns both have community centers and churches/synagogues/temples that work for the homeless, helping soldiors over seas etc.

Just because I think America is flawed doesn't mean I hate it. America is a constantly evolving changing place that has issues like anywhere else. Yes its a great nation and the only reason I want to live in say, Ireland is because of the culture/landscape. Not because of issues with the government or some other thing that can be altered and changed. Loving something also means desiring it's improvement because you love it!

Anyway, off the soap box and linking some fun stuff. Anyone who is a creationalist or believes in Intelligent Design I frankly think is a blithering idiot (Palin is a creationalist). I don't care what religion you are but if you think the world is 6000 years old or evolution is some evil lie then you are an idiot. A complete moron. I don't say this because I'm not Christian or hate Christians (which I don't) I'm saying this because almost every well educated person in the WORLD agrees that evolution is a well founded theory. Here are a few videos about it.

It's funny.

2008-10-06T07:40:00.000-07:00

I don't like sports. The only time I've ever enjoyed them was when my brother used to play soccer or when I'm at a live game and then it's the energy of the crowd that gets me going. However I was just listening to NPR and they were talking about the Cubs devastating loss. Just listening to the announcers passion and love of the sport make me smile and kinda wish a little I liked sports.

Haven't updated much lately since frankly I haven't been doing much! Derrick has been rather absent which makes me sad. I really need to get over him! :P Yeah he's my friend but part of me still holds a torch which is really annoying. I'd love to just take that torch and drop kick it but apparently that's not how it works.

On the upside I've gotten my meds again and am now taking them on a nice schedule. Lately I've been getting up between 6 am and 7 am and I'm actually loving it! I get a whole day to do stuff! Oh my god! Stuff!! Still need to find a job. My dad is terrified he'll lose his job since they're starting to do forced layoffs at his work. He'll turn 60 this month so he's sorta retirement age but frankly he can't afford to retire nor would he do well retired! He goes nuts when he gets sick and has to take time off!

Fox News is evil

2008-10-03T15:08:00.000-07:00

All I need to make this statement true is this video...

The other day I was listening to O'Reily (my dad left it on and I was busy on the PC so I didn't change it right away like I usually do) and he was talking about the first presidential debate. He was so insanely biased and the opposite of 'fair and balanced' I kept laughing.

God I hate Fox news.

Bip still lives!

2008-09-26T18:38:00.001-07:00

Bip, my beta who had a brush with death is doing alright. His lips still look ragged and his tail has a little red on it. My friend Jeff told me that he thinks my father was simply an agent of the universe trying to set right the whole 'Bip is still alive'.

I saw my doctor today. It was a brief visit and he mentioned he wished all his patients were like me. The whole thing was quick and easy. So more meds coming my way!

That's about it...

Unhappy

2008-09-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

I'm really stressed out and depressed right now. At about three this afternoon I was woken up by Derrick. He'd locked himself out of his car and needed me to come get him. This didn't bother me in the least. However when I was down stairs putting on my shoes I noticed that the fish I'd gotten a few weeks ago was in distress. His water was yellow and cloudy and there was a thick layer of food on the bottom of his bowl. Now despite the fact I didn't sleep for over 24 hours until this morning I knew I sure as heck didn't feed him. This left only my dad as the culprit. I asked him if he fed the fish and he said no. The problem is it's just him and me in the house so it had to be him. Now I don't think he's lying to me I just think he doesn't remember. See, he is a heavy drinker and I suspect yesterday (he tends to drink heavily on the weekend) he fed Bip (the fish) and just doesn't remember because he was so drunk.

The reason I'm so stressed out and depressed is because I'm dreading talking to him about his drinking problem. In the past I mentioned it to him but I haven't disclosed my full feelings. On the weekends I tend to not want to get out of bed because that mean's he'll be drinking. He doesn't get violent only goofy and acts really odd. This really upsets me though because his health isn't in the best condition to begin with and he's on so many medications. So I spend my time stressing about it and doing my best to ignore my own feelings on the matter which only leads to more stress! ><

God I'm not looking forward to this talk. I'm not doing it today because chances are in the hour I was gone getting Derrick he's already drank a good amount of vodka (his drink of choice) and I rather talk to him when he's completely sober so I'll have to get him right after he gets home from work.

ARG!

2008-09-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

I ended up sleeping the whole damned day today. I didn't want to, I didn't mean to. It wasn't like the rest of the week. My father went to the pharmacy and asked for a few pills to tide me over and asked them to try to talk to my doctor to find out what's going on. I love my daddy, he's such a great guy <3. Honestly I'm surprised that I slept the whole day. Typically when I do that at some point I wake up and have to force myself (it's not a difficult argument mind you) to stay in bed. For some reason I was completely zonked out.

It's probably because I'm back on my medecine. It always messes with my sleep cycle which is part of the reason I've been sleeping so much. Going back on it also gave me a massive head ache the other day and I've entered a slightly manic state and been scatter brained. I even left Jeff locked in the backseat of my three door car yesterday!

Yesterday (friday) I also cooked dinner for Jeff and Derrick. I made stir fry chicken with miso soup and strawberries with strawberry mochi for dessert. Everything came out great save for the miso. Last time I made miso it wasn't strong enough so I went overboard this time! That's typically how I work. Next time it'll probably be perfect. Tomorrow (sunday) I'll be cooking a pair of steaks for Derrick and myself though I'm not sure what kinds of sides I should make. If I get a little bit more chicken I can make delicious won ton like chicken, garlic and cabbage thingies that just taste wonderful.

Quick rundown of how to make them:

1 packet of premade either egg roll wraps or won ton wraps (found usually near the butter in your grocery store)
Some chicken, boneless breast meat is best
Fresh Garlic
Fresh Cabbage

What I do is first I cook the chicken in a pot. I like to use either peanut oil but any vegitabe oil will work. While it's cooking I chop up some garlic, though you can just use a garlic press. Then I chop up some cabbage (chop it up finely). When the chicken is done cooking (almost undercooked, don't worry its going back in the pan in a second) I take it out let it cool off enough to handle then chop it up finely and throw it back in the pan with the garlic and cabbage. I stir fry that a little bit then take it all out of the pan. Wrap it up in the eggroll/won ton dough and just fry that up.

Can't sleep... Lich King will eat me...

2008-09-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

Doctor still hasn't told the pharmacy to refill my meds so I'm gradually going crazy. Been sleeping way too much and right now I'm wide awake. I'm almost afraid to go back to bed. I feel like complete and utter shit right now. It's almost as if either my head is going to explode or I'm going to start vomiting. Not because I'm sick or something but because I'm that emotionally fucked up. I feel depressed but can't cry. In fact I barely feel anything and what I do feel is this annoying sense of dread as if some great evil is going to sweep in and consume my head.

Fucking sanity. GET BACK HERE!!!

Too much sleep :(

2008-09-14T22:11:00.001-07:00

Ran out of meds this week which pretty much means I've spent the last three days living in bed. For some reason when I go off my lexapro I end up living in my bed. It doesn't help that I have a really ungodly comfortable bed. I mean... this is the kind of bed sleeping beauty would be made for. I feel like Rip Van fucking Winkle.

So clearly no writing has gotten done. Sick vicious cycle. I get depressed and do nothing and then I get even more depressed because nothing is getting done! ARG!

*crawls off to be distracted by WoW*

DO NOT SEE BURN AFTER READING!

2008-09-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the all caps title but sometimes something just needs to be said loudly and nothing says 'I'm yelling' like all caps.

Needless to say I just got back from watching 'Burn After Reading'. Now, I also recently saw 'Babylon AD'. A movie that managed to make gun fights and explosions boring. I found it to be a pointless series of events and shiny colors attempting and failing to hold my attention. 'Burn After Reading' not only felt pointless but it was a movie that seemed confused with itself. It doesn't fit into any known genre and actively seems to want you to dislike it. Every time it starts to pull you in, capture your attention or otherwise make an effort moments later it does its best to annoy or otherwise displease you with the next few events.

In fact I'm so displeased with it I fully intend on writing a letter to the Coen brothers and asking for an apology.

Blarg

2008-09-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

Sunday I was supposed to meet with my family for a big dinner to welcome my brother Keith back but my dad ended up getting sick and not waking me and I figured I wouldn't bother to go. I feel a touch bad but I do dislike hanging around children which my brother Kevin has several. I know I know. How horrible of me to dislike children and how dare I dislike kids related to me! There is a reason I'm never going to have kids. I just can't handle them.

I also haven't written jack. *sigh* My own fault. No reason in the world to claim otherwise. I did get sick to my stomach on Monday... not sure why... Regardless I'll try to focus tonight and get some shit done.

Monday I had also intended on going job hunting but that didn't pan out due to the constant urge to vomit that was plaguing me. Hopefully tomorrow will work out better. *crosses fingers*

Need work.... badly!

2008-09-06T17:45:00.001-07:00

So my family is broke. Since I don't work my funds depend solely on my fathers and he's currently paying bills pay check by pay check so that means I've very little cash for much of anything. With Warhammer coming out this month as well as Warriors Orochi I'm going to need to look for a job. Oh... and I guess I need one so I can start getting out of the house.

Today my brother finally popped by to pick up some of his things. Tomorrow I'll be getting together with the entire family so I think I'm going to drag Derrick along so I can use him as a shield to deflect my mothers attacks. He's really good at it. She's so struck by him I can avoid nagging.

Tonight I'm going to try to get some writing done. *crosses fingers* Hopefully my muse wont bail on me.

Busy busy... not

2008-09-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

Well I'm almost all better. I've still got a cough and some mucus is still gleefully gathering in my bronchial tubes but other than that I'm sounding and feeling mostly normal. Tonight I'm trying out a new Thai restaurant with Jeff. Considering the podunk town I live in exotic foods are hard to come by. However this new Thai place brings the number of Thai restaurants up to two!! Fantastic! I enjoy most Asian foods really as well as Indian food (Tandoori Chicken is my fav). Frankly I like to explore and experience different types of food. Which Derrick isn't very interested in. *big sigh*

Thankfully my brother will be back soon and he loves to experiment with food even more than I do. I can be a bit squeemish but if you put goat eyes in front of him he'd dig in if only for curiosity sake.

Right now Vash is laying on my left arm while I type. Typically he likes to cuddle against my chest while I'm on the computer but I have to push him aside when I type since he's impossible to reach over or around. I don't mind his new habit, I'm able to type and he gets the fun of being in contact with me so its a good comprimise.

Hopefully my muses are feeling better soon, I can already feel them stirring. I want to get published God Damnit!

Politics.

2008-09-03T14:23:00.001-07:00

Let me for a moment discuss at random my feelings on politics. Now my father is a republican, my eldest brother is as well, my other brother is a Green Party member and I'm firmly nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some fool who puts their fingers in their ears and chants 'la la la' every four years and tries to pretend that everyone is overly excited about pie. I do follow politics and learn about the candidates and will even be voting this year. Now wait you might say, you're 26 years old, you've been able to vote for years! Well frankly every last election I've been old enough to vote for has been a choice between two slightly different shit waffles and I couldn't think of a single reason to choose one shit topped breakfast food over the other. The primary reason I don't ascribe to any one party is because I find all the choices stupid. I'm a pagan who is pro-choice, likes guns, is all for them gays getting married and loves the environment very very much. This doesn't really fit with the various parties that currently exist. I've looked I tend to disagree on some major point and am unwilling to look the other way.

That big lead in brings me to McCain and his VP choice. I'm all for a woman vice president and that's great and all but my issues with both him and her are pretty big. Recently it got out that her 17 year old daughter was pregnant. This has created a pretty big storm and lots has been said but while a whole lot of dialog is being flung about not much is in truth actually being said. I believe that yes it should be a political issue. Not in the matter of lets pry into their personal lives but more so the idea behind it. It's now common knowledge that her teen daughter has been knocked up. I frankly don't need to dig deeper into their family lives. My problem with it is simple. Palin supports abstinence only programs. Frankly they don't work. You don't walk up to someone and say "Now there is this thing out there called Cheesecake and you'll really really want to try it but DON'T! It's immoral and you should wait till arbitrary later date x that seems impossibly far away because you are young and short sighted. Now... go!" I use cheesecake because sex is as fun as cheesecake is delicious. The fact her own daughter managed to get pregnant at the age of 17 (something I magically avoided due to my NOT WANTING TO GET PREGNANT) shows how disconnected she is with reality and how illogical her mindset is.

Sex is fun and when you are a teen it's pretty darned easy to have. Without giving teenagers the proper tools to handle it they'll of course run around and bump uglies with each other spreading diseases and getting pregnant. You need to explain to them what VDs are but don't try to use it purely as a scare tactic. It's vital that they know about the various different bith controls that exist and give them valid facts about how they work and how well they work. A lot of abstinance only programs outright lie about condoms and attempt to only paint them as evil. So not only are you failing to give children the proper education in the same breath you are taking away a vital tool to protect them and demonizing it! It's ignorance that leads to these foolish decisions that in turn end up putting teens at risk.

Face it. Teens will have sex. It's silly to think that they wont and it's naive to assume that this is a current problem. Sure teen sex was slightly less previlant in the 50s but the culture was so massively different then! Sex wasn't displayed and sold at every street corner. Flesh is being peddled and the amount of intense imigary that we inundated with every day is downright shocking. With the constant temptation of sex, the flood of hormones teens experience it's a miracle they aren't jumping each other in the streets.

So, come voting day that'll be just one of the many reasons I wont be voting for McCain. A man so painfully out of touch with reality, modern American families and who is frankly unfit to lead in every way possible.

Moment of weakness

2008-09-02T12:20:00.001-07:00

The other day I was bored so I reactivated my horde account on World of Warcraft. To my surprise I didn't have much fun. I played a little bit then logged off dissapointed. Maybe it'll be better after Wrath of the Lich King, maybe not. Regardless Warhammer Online comes out soon so I can test that out and see how it plays.

Previously it had been many many months since I'd logged onto WoW. I'm actually not even sure how long its been! Oh well. Health wise I'm almost better today should be 100% better soon.

Gradually getting well

2008-09-01T15:10:00.000-07:00

Today my brother is supposed to be coming back home. For the last oh... one and a half year he's been living in San Fransisco. The primary catalyst for his return is the cost of living. In San Fransisco he lives in a small apartment with three other people, here in Phoenix he can rent a house with one other person for less than he's paying for the apartment. I'll be happy to have him back; the two of us may not have gotten along for the first 14 years of my life but now we not only enjoy each others company we get along great! Typically he's the only reason I go to new and strange events like parties and clubs. So his absence has been less than pleasant.

My cough isn't as bad as it's been and though I sound like I've been smoking for 30 years I'm all but better. Though I have bronchitis it's perfectly tolerable. The other day I downloaded the free Spore Creature Creator and just had to upgrade to the full edition. It's just the funnest thing ever. I'll have to post a few pictures of the hideously cute things I'm throwing together.

Update! My Spores:

Hack hack, cough cough dies

2008-08-30T10:52:00.001-07:00

Now I have a hacking cough! Yesterday my chest hurt so damned much and all from coughing. I think its because I took some Mucinex. Normally I almost never cough. Now I'm hacking my lungs out. Never taking that stuff again >_<

I just want to be better! I haven't gotten jack done in days because I've been so bloody sick. I hate being sick. Not because of the physical symptoms but because I feel lazy... even more lazy than usual. I think Vash is enjoying this though. Since I've been sick I've barely touched the PC and have been spending most of my time on the couch which means lots of cuddle time with him.

Still sick.

2008-08-28T12:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was horrible. The infection spread to both nasal passages so for part of the day I could only breathe out of my mouth. On top of that I was in a lot of pain, any movement hurt. Taking a shower left me breathless with pain. My joints hurt, my head hurt and of course my nose hurt. Towards the end of the day Derrick showed up with some medicine and a humidifier which he had purchased with his own money <3. My dad gave him a credit card and sent him off to get me more liquids and the right medicine. He ended up grabbing allergy medicine instead of sudafed which is what I needed. I ended up taking both anyway. Made me a little light headed but by nine at night I could breathe!

I slept like shit last night though. Kept waking up, tossing and turning. Thankfully though when I woke up for real this morning I felt much better than the day before. My nose is still really stuffy and I feel like my head is full of cotton but I no longer feel like warmed over death.

Clearly I got nothing done the other day. Mostly just laid on the couch and cuddled with the cats. Derrick didn't stay for long he had a dinner plan with a mutual friend named Jeff. Now Jeff is easily one of the worlds sweetest guys. He offered to bring me some sudafed on Tuesday after he got off work but I would have felt guilty making him drive around for me. Clearly I feel less guilty making Derrick do the same! Jeff has actually been keeping me company via text and also went out with me a lot while Derrick was out of town.

Oh well, I'm going to go lay down for a bit, hopefully tomorrow I can get some bloody writing done.

Feeling ill

2008-08-26T16:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I woke with a slightly sore throat, as the day drug on it only got worse. Still I mustered up the energy to drive the hour and a half drive to my mothers. She fixed me lunch and cut my hair and only nagged me slightly. She really really wants to give me highlights and is just positively upset that I'm already going gray at 26. Frankly I hardly mind. I shaved my head a few years ago in an effort to wipe the slate clean and I'm not about to start dumping chemicals on my head now.

Today I woke with pretty bad congestion in my right nasal passage. My throat is starting to feel better but that doesn't mean the rest of me is falling in line. Outside of my general medication and daily vitamins I knocked back some ibuprofen and that seems to have helped a little bit.

My efforts to get back into writing have thus far failed to pan out. I did begin to reorganize my folders so its a little easier to find the things I'm looking for and I'm working on getting my notes in order. That's really about the closest thing to success I've had.

Derrick who has been out of town for the last week comes back tonight which will be nice, I certainty missed him. Not that I'll get to see him till tomorrow. Oh well. I should get some rest.

Baby Steps

2008-08-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been taking steps to get myself published. I've removed one of my stories from Fictionpress.com, a site where I've displayed my work. The story in question is called 'Misbegotten'. Despite the emo sounding title it all makes sense. It's a story about a nerd in the 1970s who discovers the company that helped pay for his college is run by a vampire who wishes to turn him into a vampire, all for a very simple reason: he needs someone who is up to date on current technology to help him with the company! It's a pretty funny story, John is a hilarious character and a decent number of people can relate to him. I may write about fantastical supernatural creatures but I try to never forget that deep down they're all people.

It's really scary for me to do all this too. I'm going to have to present my work to people who matter and their rejection will of course hurt. Rejection and I have never really gotten along. I have a crippling fear of being disliked or thought poorly of and here I am moving into the competitive world of writing. I see tears in my future! Oh well. Everyone faces rejection and I have to keep telling myself that I can do it. Heck all I need to do is look at some of the published books out there, some of them even bestsellers, to know that I have a chance. It's all about getting my foot in the door. I'm fairly confident that when I do get published I can be successful, its just the getting there part that'll be hard.

However despite the steps I've made I've hit a wall pretty hard. Over the last week I keep trying to write and end up staring blankly at the screen for awhile. Typically I eventually give up in dejection and go play Warriors Orochi. Nothing like slaughtering hundreds of enemies to blow off some steam. Personally I'm a huge fan of the Warriors series. First their was Dynasty Warriors then Samurai Warriors then they felt like 'Hey, we got these two franchises why not throw them together?'. I should mention that Dynasty Warriors takes place in the three kingdoms period of China and Samurai Warriors takes place in the Sengoku era of Japan. It's a fun mix though and I love seeing all my favorite characters on screen.

Kotaro is my favorite:

Not the most historically accurate image ever. Doesn't matter though I find him dead sexy. On a similar note apparently I am attracted to an unusual type of man. I mentioned the other day to a pair of male friends that I thought Ron Pearlman was dead sexy and one of them was shocked and confused. Well I think he's hot!! His voice alone makes me melt. Typically I find most 'hot' guys in Hollywood to well... either not be hot or meh ok. Oh well.

Now to attempt to get some writing done. Wish me luck.

So then what...

2008-08-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

After spending the odd week in a hospital I at least came out of it with anti-depressant/anti-anxiety pills. A pretty good combo for me. This wasn't the point where I was really suffering from agoraphobia, which is an interesting term and illness. Typically when it's portrayed in say TV, Movies and Books it's the most extreme form that is used. You know the type, the people who never leave the house. While I rarely leave the house I'm still able to go to various places and feel somewhat comfortable. In my car is one of the places though I still get annoyed with the drivers around me; at least there is no lasting paranoia about driving. I can also freely go anywhere as long as I have a trusted companion, close friends and family members. While going to a crowded area out of or even in my trust zone I don't start freaking out and crying or something, though if something goes wrong it is a possibility ;;-_-. Typically I just enter a manic state. I become energetic, overly cheerful and just slightly over the top. A stranger probably wouldn't notice or even think anything of my behavior, but it is very out of character. Eventually I just get a little too nervous and want to leave. My comfort zones are a few places near my house and they're typically food related: Two chipotles, two grocery stores and one gas station (with a cute guy who makes me nervous for very different reasons).

It wasn't my very uninterested doctor at the hospital that suggested I might have agoraphobia but my best friend Derrick. He's now actually teaching Psych 101 and should have his masters in Psychology pretty soon. It came to light after I described some of my feelings to him. I don't like it when strangers look at me, pay attention to me or talk to me without me initiating it and even then I'm not at all happy to do it. Leaving the house makes me nervous because in my house I feel safe, I know where everything is and nothing unusual is likely to happen. The outside world however is unpredictable and dangerous. Now if I had actually spoken to the doctor who was supposed to look after me and he payed attention to things I said in group he probably would have pinged on this but like I said, he couldn't have cared less. Like I mentioned earlier I'm ok with friends and family in any situation. This is apparently relatively common with agoraphobia. If I can't help it I avoid going anywhere. My safe list mentioned earlier gives you an idea of what does pull me out of the house: food. It isn't like I enjoy food I just need it. If I could avoid ever eating again I'd be perfectly fine with that!

Recently I did see the new Hulk alone. It was by mistake. I was supposed to meet up with my friends at the theater but they went to a different one, an AMC near the stadium and frankly I hate it there. Its too big, over the top and the seats are really really uncomfortable. I prefer Harkens any day of the week. The fact that they just play classical music between movies instead of annoying current hits like AMC is a big part of it. Their chairs are more comfortable and they have a deal where if you buy their souvenir's cup you get refills for only a dollar all year. Seeing it on my own was ok. Thanks to the environment I was only unsettled till they turned down the lights. After all my biggest issue is being noticed and at a movie everyones attention was on the screen.

I've tried to branch out, find work and even go to school. Finding work has been difficult, after all with the economy has been bad and only getting worse so getting new employees isn't the biggest priority for a lot of places. Coupled with how uneasy I am with being well... anywhere it's hard for me to just go out and try to find work. I did manage to enroll in school but that only lasted a week before I freaked out and crawled into bed and refused to get out. That's one of my things is sleeping. Sometimes I sleep up to a full day, yeah like 24 hours. I don't like it. Afterwards I'm really hungry, thirsty and sore. The human body isn't mean to sleep that long so its really unpleasant.

The fact I keep tying is a good sign. Derrick always says people can become their diagnosis. Which is to say they use their mental or physical health as an excuse to not do or do certain things. It's a very good valid point and I try not to let any of my issues get to me but it can be pretty hard at times.

In the end, which is to say recently, I've decided to focus on my writing. I love to write, love to make up stories and characters and put them in interesting situations. Writing is one of the few things that I not only enjoy but can see myself doing in ten years, outside of still playing video games and seeing movies that is! With my horridly low self esteem I often get discouraged, reading a good book only makes it worse. Not only do I constantly compare my body to other womens (I can't even make fat look good) I also constantly compare my writing to others. This is a very dumb thing to do. Logically there will always be prettier women out there and better writers out there. I don't care how good you are at something there is going to be someone better. That's just one of those facts of life things. Reminding myself of that at times can be hard though.

On the matter of weight its not a very touchy topic for me. Yeah. I'm fat. Typically I weigh around 240 pounds and since I'm about 5'6" that means I'm obese. Granted I carry the weight rather well, I don't look nearly as fat as I actually am but by all means I don't look good either! It's a health concern before its a visual concern. I'm not all that interested in being super skinny I just want to be at my old weight. Back in 2000 I actually joined the Army. A foot injury sent me home and at the time I was a great weight. I think I was 145 tops. Sadly my oh so helpful mother likes to keep reminding me of just how great I looked then. Great way to pack on the issues Mom. Keep up the good work. What with my lack of a job and thus lack of money I can't join a gym, at one point I did but this was years ago. On top of that I can't just go for walks or runs. I live in freakin' Arizona, during most of the year its blisteringly hot even at night! Put my issues with the outside world on top of that and doing the simplest of things to try to keep healthy gets difficult. I don't drink soda anymore (though I have been bad this week, I've had two T_T it makes me feel really guilty) so that helps a bit. For me its never really been a food issue. I don't eat a ton of unhealthy snacks or down a lot of sugary soda its just a combination of laziness and fear.

I'm trying to change though. I've given up playing MMOs. For a long time I played WoW but I ended that a few months ago, almost six months at this point. Just the other day I quit EQ2 which brings me down to having 0 MMOs to play which was a huge distraction from frankly anything and everything so that's a good thing. Now that I wont have some addictive game to play at the drop of a hat I'll be forced to not only focus on my writing but exercise. I have a few belly dancing video tapes so those should help.

Guess that completes up the summation of how I got to this point. Next update should actually talk about recent events :P

Trying to work and getting commited

2008-08-22T00:52:00.001-07:00

Since walking out on Gamestop I've applied for and interviewed for more jobs than I can even begin to count. After awhile one starts to feel rather unwanted. The more time that stretched between my last real job the more unstable I became emotionally. Eventually I did land a job at a coffee shop that was about to open up right near my house. Now, considering my brother has spent the last five+ years working as a barista (a person who makes coffee drinks) it seemed logical that I should attempt to enter the industry as well. Things went alright for a little while but then a few days before opening I began to fray.

It was about this point that I began to realize that normal people don't daily consider how to kill themselves. I had a loaded .44 that I kept in my underwear drawer; originally it went there while children were over visiting so I needed to put it somewhere they wouldn't find it (my room has a lot of dangerous flammable objects and sharp pointy things so its off limits to everyone!). I never returned it to its place on top of the fridge (you know, in case the cheese gets too moldy or someone breaks in, sentient cheese being equally likely given my house) since its presence began to give me morbid comfort. Finally I called my health insurance in an effort to find myself some help. Considering the things I said they quickly suggested I go to a hospital and check myself in.

A week later I found myself in St. Lukes hospital. My father was pretty upset by this, upset because he was worried for me and despite how comforting he was trying to be I could see how unhinged he was getting. After all its a fathers duty to protect their children, but how do you protect them from themselves?

In the end I spent only a week in the hospital mental ward. My doctor barely spoke to me and in fact I chose my own brand of medication which had been suggested to me by a friend. Real skill there Mr. Doc. Oh well. The whole thing was really stressful. On the first day all my books were taken from me, save for a pair of bibles. This infuriated me like you wouldn't believe. Reading has been one of my major distractions and a primary way for me to distress. So there I was in a stressful situation without my usual method of dealing. The second day when my mother visited she drove me so batty I ended up screaming at her and crawling under a table that I then refused to come out from under till they offered me anti-anxiety drugs.

Thankfully the next day they moved me from one ward to another. This one was upstairs, had more comfortable seating and was much less stressful. Not only that but a close friend of my brother worked there! He was a great guy and helped me out a lot. My brother visited me daily as well bringing me treats from the cafe next door to where he worked on various books to keep me occupied. I'd tear through several books a day so it was a much needed addition to my small collection (which I'd managed to get back half of what I'd brought. The rest were deemed too 'riske' for my condition. Pffft, books about murder don't alter my state of mind one bit).

For all the insanity I suffered for that week in a mental ward I got very little out of it. I discovered I was more crazy than some, less crazy than others, that a decent number of doctors could care less about their patients (I was forgotten by my primary doctor for TWO DAYS) and that my brother is a wonderfully supportive guy ^_^

Life is scary.

2008-08-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

It's a little difficult to pinpoint just when everything went wrong. For several years I lived a relatively normal life. I worked full time and even held down two jobs at one point. Living with my depression was something I'd grown used to, after all most of my life I've been depressed so thoughts of suicide were as normal to me as eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast. A full time job (or two) made these thoughts small, sent them to the back of my mind. After all, thoughts of killing oneself tend to quiet when you're busy alphabetizing books and video games.

Then things just sorta happened. It was a rather typical work week, I was third key at Gamestop (sorta the mini-manager) and I needed to shift my schedule around so I could get my TV fixed. Kinda a silly thing but considering it was broken for so long and the only time I could get a guy out to fix it was always on days I worked it wasn't that big of a deal. The assistant manager at the time (Billy; great guy) was more than happy to take that day (a Thursday, I remember that). About halfway through my day my TV had been fixed and I was going to see a movie with my friend Derrick when I got a call from work. A little puzzled I picked it up and the first thing I heard was:

"We were robbed."

It was Billy my aforementioned Assistant-manager. He explained that armed gunmen had entered our quiet little video game store and pointed GUNS at my co-workers faces and demanded money. Not only that but our district manager wanted me to come in and cover the night shift for my understandably traumatized Store manager and Assistant-manager (both had been there at the same time). I flat out refused. Why the heck would I want to go to work on the eve of an armed robbery!? After that none of us were comfortable at work. The day I moved up to third key we'd been burglarized the night before. I had handled it very well and in a mature fashion impressing my bosses. Considering it was the second time since I had worked there that we'd been burglarized I kinda knew what to do.

The next morning after this robbery I had to open the store, by myself. Thankfully my store managers then finance kept me company for awhile. Notably I was nervous about being alone. The day went quickly and smoothly though my nerves were still a little shot. Curse my empathy!

Not to long after this event I got a really bad eye infection and just fed up with work (I loved the job, hated the company) and my health I just flat out quit. Amusingly enough the entire store staff save one employee quit. The one person who kept on stayed around just to watch the fireworks! We were a close bunch. I miss them.

Sadly since then I haven't had a single real job. I've managed to snag a few jobs but due to various reasons I've been unable to keep. In fact the one job I did enjoy I got laid off from because the store manager foolishly hired too many people. I was really good at it too... and enjoyed it save for a handful of co-workers who apparently thought high-school behavior was perfectly fine in a work environment. About five months after the walk out from Gamestop I got in a really bad car crash. Someone in front of me on the highway decided coming to a complete and full stop was a dandy idea and I plowed right into his rear. My tiny little shitty Ford crumpled in half while his truck suffered minor damage. This affected me more than I had realized. For a few months after the accident I'd occasionally freak out while driving if someone did something stupid... considering I live in Arizona where people drive like idiots I ended up being freaked out a lot.

These two events put me on the path I'm currently still stumbling down with all the grace and dignity of a narcoleptic one legged monkey. This seems like a good opening post... I suppose.